英文小說連載《朗讀者The Reader》Part 2 Chapter 10

Hanna could neither read nor write.

That was why she had had people read to her. That was why she had let me do all the writing and reading on our bicycle trip and why she had lost control that morning in the hotel when she found my note， realized I would assume she knew what it said， and was afraid shed be exposed. That was why she had avoided being promoted by the streetcar company；

as a conductor she could conceal her weakness， but it would have become obvious when she was being trained to become a driver. That was also why she had refused the promotion at Siemens and become a guard. That was why she had admitted to writing the report in order to escape a confrontation with an expert. Had she talked herself into a corner at the trial for the same reason？

Because she couldnt read the daughters book or the indictment， couldnt see the openings that would allow her to build a defense， and thus could not prepare herself accordingly？

Was that why she sent her chosen wards to Auschwitz？To silence them in case they had noticed something？

And was that why she always chose the weak ones in the first place？

Was that why？

I could understand that she was ashamed at not being able to read or write， and would rather drive me away than expose herself. I was no stranger to shame as the cause of behavior that was deviant or defensive， secretive or misleading or hurtful. But could Hannas shame at being illiterate be sufficient reason for her behavior at the trial or in the camp？

To accept exposure as a criminal for fear of being exposed as an illiterate？To commit crimes to avoid the same thing？

How often I have asked myself these same questions， both then and since. If Hannas motive was fear of exposurewhy opt for the horrible exposure as a criminal over the harmless exposure as an illiterate？

Or did she believe she could escape exposure altogether？Was she simply stupid？

And was she vain enough， and evil enough， to become a criminal simply to avoid exposure？

Both then and since， I have always rejected this. No， Hanna had not decided in favor of crime. She had decided against a promotion at Siemens， and fell into a job as a guard. And no， she had not dispatched the delicate and the weak on transports to Auschwitz because they had read to her；

she had chosen them to read to her because she wanted to make their last month bearable before their inevitable dispatch to Auschwitz. And no， at the trial Hanna did not weigh exposure as an illiterate against exposure as a criminal. She did not calculate and she did not maneuver. She accepted that she would be called to account， and simply did not wish to endure further exposure. She was not pursuing her own interests， but fighting for her own truth， her own justice. Because she always had to dissimulate somewhat， and could never be completely candid， it was a pitiful truth and a pitiful justice， but it was hers， and the struggle for it was her struggle.

She must have been completely exhausted. Her struggle was not limited to the trial. She was struggling， as she always had struggled， not to show what she could do but to hide what she couldnt do. A life made up of advances that were actually frantic retreats and victories that were concealed defeats.

I was oddly moved by the discrepancy between what must have been Hannas actual concerns when she left my hometown and what I had imagined and theorized at the time. I had been sure that I had driven her away because I had betrayed and denied her， when in fact she had simply been running away from being found out by the streetcar company. However， the fact that I had not driven her away did not change the fact that I had betrayed her. So I was still guilty. And if I was not guilty because one cannot be guilty of betraying a criminal， then I was guilty of having loved a criminal.

我對每天都自愿參加的研討會沒有留下什么記憶，即使我回憶法庭的審理情形，也記不起來我們都做了哪些科學(xué)的整理工作，我們就什么問題進(jìn)行了討論，我們想要知道什么，那位教授都教了我們什么。

但是，我卻記得那些周日。在法庭的那些天，使我對大自然的色彩和氣息產(chǎn)生了新的渴望。在節(jié)假日和星期六，我把在學(xué)習(xí)中所落下的課程盡可能都補(bǔ)上了，這樣，在做課堂練習(xí)時(shí)，我至少能跟得上，也能完成本學(xué)期的學(xué)分。星期天，我總是出去。

圣山，米西爾教堂，彼斯麥塔，哲學(xué)家之路，河岸，一個(gè)星期天接著一個(gè)星期天，我走的路線僅有很小的變動(dòng)。一個(gè)星期接著一個(gè)星期，我所看到的大自然足以用豐富多彩、變化無窮來形容。深綠色的萊茵平原有時(shí)處在熱氣中，有時(shí)在云霧中，有時(shí)在雷雨烏云中。在森林里，當(dāng)陽光照耀時(shí)可聞得花香，聞得果甜；

當(dāng)雨水四濺時(shí)可噴得到泥土的氣息，嗅得到去年新落下的樹葉的味道。我一點(diǎn)不需要也不尋找比這更多的多樣性。行程一次比一次遠(yuǎn)些，下次度假的地方通常是上次度假時(shí)發(fā)現(xiàn)并喜歡的地方。有好長一段時(shí)間，我認(rèn)為我應(yīng)該更大膽一些，應(yīng)該強(qiáng)迫自己去錫蘭、埃及和巴西，不過，我還是去了我所熟悉的地區(qū)，為的是加深對舊地的了解。

在這些地方我看到的更多。

在森林里，我又發(fā)現(xiàn)了我揭開漢娜秘密的地方。那不是一個(gè)什么特別的地方，當(dāng)時(shí)也沒有什么特別之處，沒有別具一格的樹木或懸崖峭壁，沒有什么非同一般的可以看到那座城市和那片平原的視角，沒有什么會促使你產(chǎn)生意想不到的聯(lián)想。在周而復(fù)始他對漢娜進(jìn)行思考后，我竟產(chǎn)生了一種想法，我追蹤了這個(gè)想法，最后也得出了結(jié)論。

真是筋疲力盡之時(shí)，也正是柳暗花明之日。這種情況隨處可見，或者至少在這種情況下隨處可見：你對一個(gè)環(huán)境或一種情況非常熟悉，以至于凡是你感受到并接受了的、令你驚訝的東西，都不是來自外部世界，而是產(chǎn)生于內(nèi)心。

我得出結(jié)論的過程就像一個(gè)人走在一條路上，先爬上陡峭的山坡，再穿越馬路，再經(jīng)過一個(gè)泉井，然后穿過一片森林：先是古老的、遮天蔽日的參天大樹，之后才是明亮的小樹叢。

漢娜既不會讀也不會寫。

所以她才讓人給她朗讀，所以在我們騎車旅行時(shí)，才讓我承擔(dān)讀寫的任務(wù)，所以當(dāng)她那天早上在旅館里發(fā)現(xiàn)我的字條時(shí)，才大發(fā)雷霆她猜測出了字條的內(nèi)容和我的期待，害怕自己出丑，所以她才逃避了有軌電車公司對她的提升作為售票員，她可以掩飾她的弱點(diǎn)，如果被培訓(xùn)當(dāng)司機(jī)，那她的弱點(diǎn)將暴露無遺，所以她才回避了西門子公司對她的提升而做了一名女看守，所以為了避免和鑒定專家對質(zhì)，她承認(rèn)了那篇報(bào)告是她寫的。

也正是因?yàn)槿绱怂�才在法庭上拼命地爭辯嗎？因?yàn)樗�既不能讀那位女兒寫的那本書又不會看控告詞，她才看不到為自己辯護(hù)的機(jī)會并為此做相應(yīng)的準(zhǔn)備嗎？也正因?yàn)槿绱怂�才把受到她特殊照顧的人送往奧斯威辛嗎？是因?yàn)樗�怕她們發(fā)現(xiàn)她的弱點(diǎn)而想殺人滅口嗎？也正是因?yàn)槿绱怂�才把那些體弱者納入她的保護(hù)之下嗎？

都是由于這個(gè)原因嗎？她為自己既不會讀也不會寫而感到羞恥，所以她寧愿讓我感到莫名其妙也不愿自己出丑，這個(gè)我能理解。我對由于羞恥而去回避、拒絕、隱瞞、偽裝并傷害他人的這些行為有親身體會，但是，漢娜在法庭上和集中營中的所作所為是因?yàn)樗龑Σ粫�讀寫感到可恥嗎？她認(rèn)為做一個(gè)文盲比做一名罪犯更丟臉嗎？

她比暴露自己是個(gè)罪犯更害怕暴露自己是個(gè)文盲嗎？

當(dāng)時(shí)和從那時(shí)以來，我經(jīng)常向自己提出這個(gè)問題。如果漢娜的動(dòng)機(jī)是害怕暴露自己，那為什么不暴露自己是一個(gè)無害的文盲而要暴露自己是個(gè)可怕的罪犯呢？或許她認(rèn)為什么都不暴露就能蒙混過關(guān)嗎？她這么愚蠢嗎？她這么愛虛榮，這么邪惡嗎？為了避免暴露就去做罪犯嗎？

當(dāng)時(shí)和自那時(shí)以來，我總是拒絕這樣想。不，我對自己說，漢娜沒有想去犯罪。她沒有接受西門子公司對她的提拔，而不自覺地決定做了女看守。木，她沒有因?yàn)樗齻優(yōu)樗�朗讀過就把那些溫柔體弱的人送往奧斯威辛。她特別把她們挑選出來為她朗讀，是因?yàn)樗�想使她們在被送往奧斯威辛以前的最后幾個(gè)月的日子過得好一點(diǎn)。

木，在法庭上，漢娜沒有在暴露自己是文盲還是暴露自己是罪犯之間進(jìn)行斟酌。她并沒有三思而后行，她的行為舉止缺少策略性。她寧可被繩之以法，也不愿暴露自己是文盲。她進(jìn)行的斗爭不是為了自己的利益，而是為了她的真理、她的正義。

那是個(gè)可悲的真理、可憐的正義，因?yàn)樗�總要偽裝自己，因?yàn)樗龔奈撮_誠布公過，從未完全自我過。不過，那是她的真理和正義，為此而進(jìn)行的奮斗是她的奮斗。

她必須要使出全身解數(shù)來。她不僅僅在法庭上要爭要斗，她必須要永遠(yuǎn)奮斗，其目的不是為了向世人顯示她能做的事情，而是向世人掩飾她不能做的事情。這是一種其起步意味著節(jié)節(jié)敗退，而其勝利隱藏著失敗的生活。

漢娜離開我家鄉(xiāng)時(shí)的處境和我當(dāng)時(shí)對它的想象之間存在分歧，這種分歧不同尋常地觸動(dòng)著我。我曾十分肯定她是被我趕走的，因?yàn)槲以��?jīng)背叛和否認(rèn)過她。她離開了有軌電車公司確實(shí)逃避了一次暴露。不過，我沒有把她趕走的這一事實(shí)，絲毫沒有改變我背叛了她的這一事實(shí)。這就是說，我仍舊負(fù)有責(zé)任。

如果說我沒有什么責(zé)任的話，是因?yàn)楸撑岩幻�罪犯不必�?fù)什么責(zé)任；如果說我負(fù)有責(zé)任，是因?yàn)槲以��?jīng)愛上過一個(gè)罪犯。