GRE/GMAT 寫作批改范例

argument題干
The following is a recommendation from the Board of Directors of Monarch Books."We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café."Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation. 

學(xué)生原文：
All the arguer’s view sounds energetic, positive and dogmatic, yet there is no penetration in his reasoning process. He suggests that Monarch Bookstore should replace the children’s book section with a café, which would make the bookstore more attractive just like Regal Books.However, some questions need to be considered. Firstly, are there sufficient evidence that Regal Books which has opened a café becomes more alluring? It is possible that Regal Books losses some of its customers after the café opening. Maybe they do not like the odor of café and turns to another bookstore that do not have the café. Even if Regal Books attracts more customers indeed, can the café in the Monarch Bookstore absorb more customers as well? Are these two bookstore comparable? Perhaps the same action would be ineffective on Monarch Bookstore due to some differences between the two bookstores such as customer groups, geological location and marketing strategy. In addition, is the mere fact that more customers are willing to have a rest at Regal Books enough to illustrate that a café is the only factor for a large customer? The arguer ignores other factors -such as a better geological location, clever marketing and stronger customer service- that may contributes to Regal Books’ success. In order to be more absorbing, Monarch Bookstore should improve itself from other aspects besides the café. Last but not least, does the most recent national census indicating a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten may not necessarily apply to Monarch City? It is quite possible that the percentage of children in Monarch City are increasing in recent years, which is contrary to the whole nation. For that matter, it is also possible that the children in Monarch City tend strongly to read books, which accounts for the high sales of the bookstore. Therefore, discontinuing the children's book section may decreasing the number of customers, which achieves the opposite of what the arguer intended. To conclude, the author’s recommendation that Monarch Bookstore should replace the children’s book section with a café is unpersuasive before consider the questions mentioned above.  

修改后范例：
The arguer suggests that Monarch Bookstore should replace the children’s book section with a café, which would make the bookstore more attractive just like Regal Books. All the arguer’s view sounds energetic, positive and dogmatic (reasonable), yet there is no penetration in (strong evidence in) his reasoning process. There are some questions that need to be considered. Firstly, is there sufficient evidence that shows that opening a café can make the Regal Books more lucrative? It is possible that the Regal Books has lost some of its customers after opening a café. It is also possible that they do not like the odor of the café and turn to another bookstore that does not have a café. Even if the Regal Books certainly attracts more customers, does it guarantee that the café in the Monarch Bookstore can attract more customers as well? Are these two bookstores comparable? Perhaps the same action would be ineffective for Monarch Bookstore due to some differences between these two bookstores such as different customer groups, geological locations and marketing strategies. In addition, is the mere fact that more customers are willing to visit Regal Books enough to illustrate that a café is the only factor for an increasing amount of customers? The arguer ignores other factors, such as a better geological location, a clever marketing strategy, and a stronger customer service, which may contribute to Regal Books’ success. In order to be more attractive for book lovers, Monarch Bookstore might consider to improve itself by using other strategies instead of opening a café. Last but not least, does a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten in the national census can represent the circumstances of Monarch City? It is quite possible that the percentage of children in Monarch City is increasing in recent years, which is contrary to the whole nation. For that matter, it is also possible that the children in Monarch City tend to read more books given the high sales of the local bookstores. Therefore, there is possibility that discontinuing the children's book section might decrease the number of customers, which might lead to the opposite effect of what the arguer intends to achieve. In conclusion, the author’s recommendation that Monarch Bookstore should replace the children’s book section with a café is unpersuasive considering the questions mentioned above.